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When I was a wee little girl I used to bite off the backs of gummy bears, lick them and stick the suckers to my shirt. At the end of the school day, I'd peel the gummy bears off my clothing –– lint and all –– and pop them in my mouth. Ah, memories!

Today, I'm taking a break from posting my usual poop and penis videos to tip my hat to the great gummy bear ruler, Hans Riegel, who died yesterday at the age of 90.

Riegel, the Haribo sweets company founder’s son, is credited with making the brand a household name.

To thank Riegel for our childhood memories, let's look at all of the fun ways you can play with your gummy bears:
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For centuries researchers have speculated that Americans are slow learners when compared to their international counterparts, but now there's proof. A new international survey by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development indicates that Americans' already shitty reading skills are getting shittier than others in developed countries. 

It probably doesn't come as a surprise to you that Americans are grammatically challenge and have low reading proficiency (Sorry, forgot who I'm talking to. Translation: You read dumber than foreigners). All you have to do is take one look at your Facebook, Twitter and Instagram feed to see proof that people you once respected as your friends can't spell any better than a retarded moose. 

To help you impress your friends on social media with your killer grammar skills, here are 17 quick and dirty spelling tips:
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Broadcast news must be really hurting for viewers. That can be the only reason why weatherman Scot Haney from Connecticut's WFSB 3, a CBS affiliate station, picked up and ate cat vomit, mistaking it for Grape Nuts.

Scot, who doesn't know his name is missing an extra "T", even tweeted about the incident.
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Later Scot tweeted about going to a free seminar to help people lose weight. 

Didn't you know that a hardy diet of cat vomit really helps you shed those extra lbs?
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Extreme sex sessions are killing males, well, certain male marsupials that is. 

Male antechinus and phascogales, Aussie mouse-like marsupials, expend so much energy during 12 to 14 hour sex sessions with multiple females that they die. That's according to a new study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. 

Scientists have seen species of meth-addicted insects that die after tantric breeding sessions, but it's rare in mammals. The science community used to think the antechinus and phascogales were dying out of altruism, you know, to leave more food for their kids. 

But the new study indicates that the male marsupials are actually dying during these long sex parties because of a biological urge to inseminate as many females as possible in an effort to pass along their genes. 

While the study provides answers for this extreme breeding ritual, researchers are still puzzled about the cock rings and butt plugs left behind at the scene of the death.
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What? Do you think she maintains that figure by walking? 
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Eh. Eh. Eh. What's that? Is that a wet wipe? I sure hope you're not thinking of flushing that down the toilet. Well, don't say I didn't tell you so when the sewer authority comes knocking on your door because you've clogged the main-line sewage system with your butt wipes. 

Like many Millennials and obsessive-compulsive people I, too, tote around baby wipes and do not own a baby. That's right. I ain't ashamed. My butt is fecal-matter free. 

But my habits and yours are causing concerns and sewage clogs to mount nationwide,the AP reports. 

Sewer officials in a town in upstate New York, according to the AP, traced down wet wipe sewer clogs to offending residences and knocked on their doors. 

In California, the Orange Country Sanitation District is advising toilet users to only flush the three P's: piss, poopies and toilet paper.

The takeaway lesson: If you're going to flush wet wipes, do it in someone else's toilet so the sewer police can't track you down.
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